I’m ECSTATIC about this news!

BlogHer announces dates and location of BlogHer ‘09

Second call in:

I am picked on, still, at age 30 (ok, 31 in two weeks).  People just don’t understand my fear.  You know what? I don’t understand it either.  But I have it.  I always have.  I’ve been stung randomly throughout my life.  My most recent sting, which could have been my death, was in 2003.  It was August and I was out shopping around.  I got into my car and started driving when no sooner did I feel this horrible pinch on my back.  It completely startled me and I swerved.  I quickly made my way to a parking lot and jumped out of the car.  I tried to lift up my shirt and look in the rear view mirror to see what it was that pinched me and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a yellow jacket fly out from the inside of the car.  I almost passed out.  I didn’t even know it was in my car.  I ended up with this HUGE hard lump on my back and went to the doctor.  I wanted him to pull out the stinger if there was one in there.  He couldn’t find it and said it probably just fell out or something.  Then, I insisted that the bee bit me.  My husband doesn’t think that bees bite.  Either way, the little ‘effer got me.

Do you know that four years later, I still get nervous and think there is a bee in the car when I get in?  I can still remember how it startled me.  I must have leaned back on it.  I’m getting sick just thinking about it.  That feeling of helplessness when the bee gets you.

So, back to the dream.  Ocassionally, I have dreams where there are bees bothering me.  Last night, I had one of those.  Ugh, I hated it.  I can never wake myself up when I want to either.  The bees are around me and I’m desperate to get them away.  I scream and flail.

Back to reality.  I try hard not to “show” my fear around Hailey.  It’s kind of like the thing where I don’t like seafood but wouldn’t stop her from eating it because she needs to make up her own mind.  I don’t want her to have my fear of bees.  Guess what?  She already does.  At age 3 (in three days), she’s already showing signs of the fear.  Maybe I unintentionally became frozen around her when she was watching me.  I’m always contradicting myself and telling her that the bees won’t bother her.  It’s hard for me to tell her that when I’m so squeamish of them myself.

So, I hate the bees.  I fear the bees.  Can’t imagine that will ever go away.  I just wish the bees would go away.  I’m not a big fan of honey anyway.

I’m just feeling a bit off tonight.  Mainly because as I sit here, my cousin, who is one year younger than me, is laying there dying.  He’s all but lost his battle with cancer.  It’s very hard for me to deal with the fact that here is someone, who should be in the prime of his life, dying of cancer.

I’ve been thinking about my cousin more recently, knowing that his battle is coming to an end.  For all I know, he may have already passed.  It would be good, a blessing, as he has been suffering quite a bit.  And to think it all started with a lump on his shoulder.

I always catch myself taking life for granted.  A moment ago, it hit me pretty hard just how fortunate I am and just how ashamed of myself I am for not cherishing everything that I have, especially my health.  Of course, I always think there is something wrong with me but this situation just puts it all into perspective.

My cousin and I weren’t close.  I saw him a few years ago when we were back in my hometown.  It was nice to see him.  We had a brief conversation before parting ways.  I remember him more as a child than anything.  We saw each other a lot more back then at family gatherings.

So, I’m sad for him and for his family.  I’m sad that he doesn’t get to live longer.  I’m sad that he will never know life like I know it; that he won’t experience the amazing world of being a parent or growing older.  Maybe he’s the lucky one.  I just don’t want to find that out for quite some time yet.

Just like last year, Hailey has a cold.  Just about midnight, she started crying because she couldn’t breathe.  So, she hopped into bed with us.  Of course, being half asleep, I ended up spilling her medicine all over my side of the bed.  I wasn’t getting much sleep after that, so I went downstairs and slept on the recliner.  That chair is quite comfy, to be honest.

Looks like today is going to be a chill day.  The girl is being overly dramatic.  So, I imagine we have a long day ahead of us.